


Snowfall & Falling

by kabeswaters



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 17:26:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17104931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kabeswaters/pseuds/kabeswaters
Summary: After Sirius shares his realization that he is in love with Marlene, you expose some long-time secrets about your feelings for him which cause the conversation to take a turn for the worst.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Y/N's POV

You knew Sirius Black before you knew yourself. Or, maybe, it was in the unadulterated opening of his soul during which yours got jealous, began begging for a chance to be known to a similar depth and in intimate intricacy. That you didn’t try unwrapping the inner workings of your mind until you had a reason to. Wanted to. Wanted him to know you wanted to.

And even if he hadn’t told you so abruptly—it was just a few months into your first year at Hogwarts and even James didn’t know all the secrets—you probably would have figured it all out. How his look was a hoax to cover his wounds: his leather jacket was truly a band-aid and his rings were the armor for knuckles that used to bleed from abuse. That he always esteemed Regulus for his mind (“If he wasn’t such a Slytherin, he’d be a Ravenclaw, Y/N”); how that turned him self-conscious, causing him to construct himself as some kind of badass that didn’t give a damn, anyways. How Remus wasn’t much help to that low opinion of himself before you got Sirius to speak to him about it. That he liked his tea with four sugars because that’s how his mom used to make it for him. How he smiled differently at everyone; you liked yours best because you thought it meant something more.

And even if he hadn’t told you so abruptly you probably would have figured it all out because you were in love with him.

You were in love with Sirius Black before you knew what love was. When you were young and would hold his hand through the crowded corridors of Hogwarts because you didn’t know your way but, somehow, Sirius always did. When he would let you sneak up into the Marauder’s dorm under James’ cloak, greeting you at the door with a smile that was brighter than the Lumos of his wand, yet forever more mischievous. When your first serious relationship broke into pieces and Sirius didn’t make you explain anything, didn’t ask words from your throat as if he knew it was already dried up and scorching from past arguments; he just let you lean into his chest and cry stains into his no-longer white shirt. When his first serious relationship began and you didn’t know why, but every smile felt like you were trying too hard and every mention of his name from Sirius’ lips made your stomach turn in on itself. And when it ended, you should have felt worse; Sirius had cried rivers into your shoulder blade.

But you knew it now. Knew love so well you could recognize its voice four flights of stairs away, despite the distortion that an echo makes. You could identify it from memory the moment it began to trickle through you at the breaking of Sirius’ face into a smile or the eruption of his laughter through a room. 

At first, it was like a sucker-punch. At first it was like a tidal wave that hit you when you weren’t looking, causing knees to buckle and balance to be lost, because you weren’t even sure where it came from and why.

It wasn’t as though it wasn’t expected for years. You got teased so often by James and Remus and Peter for fighting with Sirius like an old married couple, about being obnoxiously perfect for one another that it could have been those playful jabs that sent your heart spiraling for Sirius in the first place.

But it wasn’t. Maybe, if you didn’t remember the scene so vividly, you could turn those incorrect memories into a strung-together lie about the foundation of your feelings. But you could still feel the rush of December wind up your spine, see the white snowflakes stark against Sirius’ black hair, recall the straining of your cheeks from smiling so hard after winning a snowball fight against him. He got up so close to your face you no longer could see his exhale blow white into the sky but could feel it against your flushed cheeks. 

So close, you thought he was hiding another snowball behind his back just to smash it directly into your face. He had done it before, so you wouldn’t hold it past him to do it again.

So close, you thought for a moment Sirius was going to lean in. His lips were so pink from the cold, his breath almost stuttering. The sharp edges of his face unusually smooth and soft. Suddenly, your entire body felt blistering hot, as if you were standing in a desert instead of knee-deep in a pile of fresh, plush snow. Suddenly, you couldn’t think about the snowball fight, winning it; all you could focus on Sirius being so close you could smell the clash of his coconut conditioner and his leather jacket.

Suddenly, you wanted Sirius to lean in. To kiss you slowly and with both hands on your face, tipping your chin up with his thumb. Holding you firmly and drinking you in.

He stuck his hand out instead. You felt the warmth radiating off of his skin as he picked something out of your hair. “Snowflake,” he clarified, still grinning casually.

If you weren’t shocked with yourself, you would have responded something like, “Well, I’d try to get yours out, but it would take hours,” followed by a boastful smile. Instead, you just nodded silently, stupidly, trying to hide the fact Sirius’ lips had a newfound magnetism your eyes were struggling to not be drawn to.

One that had persisted all the way to seventh year. 

By now, loving Sirius was a state of being. It was a reflex, an impulse to think of him first, think of him always. Your love hummed through you like gentle river water, your heart it’s delta and your veins all the channels. And like rivers, some days were calmer than others; droughts, even. Some days you woke up and forgot you loved him because you had done so for so long, your body had adjusted to the sensation. But this made room for the opposite: when rain came, and the rivers overflowed, coursing through you in violent waves that almost floored you entirely.

That was today. The flooring. The tempestuousness.

Today was doomed since before dusk fell. The Hogsmeade trip was decided on yesterday, but the true beginning of the curse went back almost a year, when Sirius stood before Marlene with wider eyes than you thought he could ever make and a shakiness to his usually stone-set stature and asked her on a Date. A real one, capital “D” and everything (you could hear it in the emphasis of his voice, how much this meant to him).

It wasn’t a surprise to you; Sirius had been obsessing over Marlene for so long, you suddenly knew exactly how James and Remus and Peter must have felt when you were so obviously in love you couldn’t see it yourself. The thought crossed your mind daily; yet, it never lacked in its ability to cease your heart from beating momentarily. You assumed you’d get used to the irony.

The same kind of irony that somehow made it so you were the only one in the Marauders room—James was out with Lily, Peter was studying for exams, Remus took a trip to Honeydukes with the former for “studying chocolate” before joining the later–when Sirius returned. You thought he’d have adjusted to dating Marlene after a year, yet after every date, he came back as equally as breathless and flustered as the last. Like Marlene obliviated his knowledge on how to exhale, forcing him to relearn the process. 

But tonight was worse: after walking through the door Sirius slumped against the wood, his face loose in that sort of obvious and hazy state of disbelief. The kind where you have to chuckle to yourself to swallow the sensation of what had gone on so he was; little chortles dropped out of his throat while his head hung over and he stared at his shoes.

You cleared your throat, wishing he would initiate, but knowing you had to. “Sirius, is everything okay?” you asked. A stroke of optimism ran through your body as Sirius began shaking his head, one quickly followed by a pang of guilt. 

He looked up at you, eyes still wide, and in nothing more than a whisper confessed, “I’m in love with her. Y/N, I’m in love with her.”

From Muggle Studies, you knew that the world turned, but swore in that moment everything except Sirius’ heaving lungs and your mouth stopped starkly. There was no movement. Just his breath and your mouth, spilling out, in dried-out confusion, “You’re in love with her.” You said it like you didn’t believe it. Because you didn’t want to.

The next part of the world to regain movement were Sirius’ eyes, pools whose inky blackness was swirling in them as if he had gone insane. “Yes!” His smile was growing, too. “Marlene’s just, Merlin… she gets me, you know? She understands where I’m coming from and I feel like I can just tell her everything. And that she wants to know. She’s my best friend.”

“I’m your best friend,” you replied before you could help yourself.

Sirius’ smile deformed into the beginning of a frown, brows drawing in. “Are you jealous?” It caused more movement to ensue: Sirius took a few languid steps towards you, cupping the tip of his chin with his fingers in thought. He seemed so concerned and the river started flowing inside.

Words didn’t come to you for a moment, not because you hadn’t had enough time since falling in love with him to imagine both lying to him about your feelings and confessing them (always leading to that kiss you had wanted since December of third year); rather, you felt them jamming up in your throat in trying to say one answer but wanting another. Wanting to finally indulge in the water, submerge yourself in the feeling, even though it was sure to ruin everything. Drown this friendship like a tied bag full of rocks. So the lie was making its own case and its own way up your throat.

This caused a raggedness of breath when you finally and surprisingly admitted, “Yes, I’m jealous.” 

You looked up, not realizing your eyes had dropped to Sirius’ fast-approaching feet. Despite the darkness of dusk filtering in towards the window, Sirius’ face was sharper than you had ever seen. He was all honed angles and lines. All taught skin and pursed lips.

“Blimey, Y/N, don’t tell me the lads were right all this time. They always said—”

“You knew!” you shouted, eyes widening, jumping upwards, finger pointing at his chest in accusation.

Sirius seemed torn between being confused and angry, but chose the later. “You told them? I thought I was your best friend! That’s what you just said!”

“That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you!” you countered. “I didn’t want to fuck up our friendship.”

“Then what’s this?” Sirius waved his arms between you, trying to let you visualize what he meant, but all his hand brushing between your bodies did was make you realize how close he was to you. How much closer you wish he was. “Is this your idea of not fucking up the friendship?” he asked.

“Telling you how I feel?” you pondered, voice much quieter than it had been while Sirius shook his head.

“No.” His voice was a bolt through your body. “Keeping a secret and blaming me for having figured it out.” 

“Well can you blame me. I never stood a chance, did I?” You paused, looking at his dumbstruck expression, knowing he was looking for the least painful way to agree. So you continued quickly, before he had a chance to break your heart at the reply. “And, God, Sirius, some part of me knew that all along. So you can’t be mad at me for not telling you something that would hurt me. Something I knew would do more harm than good.”

“Is this good?” he asked, stepping in closer, making his hand have to retract, his tone deeper and firmer than you had ever heard. Demanding. Then, up against your face, dropping his voice to a quietness that made you shiver, he asked, again, “Is it?”

“None of this is good,” you admitted. “It hasn’t been good for years. There’s no good that comes out of falling for your best friend unless they love you back. And…”

The silence that followed was one filled with the ghost of Sirius’ words before, the ones in which he confessed his love for Marlene. They completed the thought for you, leaving Sirius running his hand through his hair nervously while you breathed out a shaky exhale. He was so close to you, you could hear the wheels turning in his mind as he pondered how to respond. So close, you could have gotten a snowflake plucked out of your hair easily.

In that moment, your heart swelled, grabbing onto the beauty of that memory as harshly as it could.

Sirius eyes’ were a full summer storm as they bore into yours; you almost crumbled under the intensity of his gaze. “It’s not… I don’t…”—a part of you almost blushed; Sirius rarely found himself stumbling over words— “You’re still you, Y/N, you know? You’re still the person I go to when I need help or when I need the best prank ideas to take credit for or for that legendary first snowball fight of the year. And you make the best jokes and say the perfect things at the perfect time. And I love being with you so much no matter what—”

“I know you’re letting me down easy, Sirius,” you reprimanded. His hand dropped out of his hair alongside the frown that formed on his face.

“What else am I supposed to do?” he asked, and it truly shook you to the bone, how much he meant it. “I love Marlene. So I just need you to tell me what I need to do to make you happy. To make you stay.” 

At his desperation yours flooded out, teardrops rushing down your face in unceremonious intensity. And maybe it was because you needed to stabilize yourself, maybe it was because he was asking you what you needed and you needed this, maybe it was because you had always wanted to and now he knew so you might as well; you pressed your palms up against his clothed chest, grabbing at the fabric. It was thin and soft and you clutched it vigorously while letting your head fall down between your bodies.

“You know what I want,” you cried out.

Sirius’ hands grabbed your wrists, not tugging but balancing. “I can’t give you that. You know that.” He said it so sweetly, so tenderly, all of the accusation of the sentence was lost. “Isn’t being my best friend enough?”

“I love”—you coughed smally, trying to combat the tears— “I love being your best friend. But, Sirius, was being friends with Marlene enough—”

“No,” he responded, interrupting and surprising you enough to make your head shoot up.

Your panic was easily lost as you remembered your last thought. “Exactly. Now imagine that, but Marlene is in love with someone else, and you know about it.” He glanced at your reddened eyes, and you could tell in just a moment there was an apology forming on his lips, but you killed it before it was verbalized. “Don’t apologize. You didn’t know. I’m sure you didn’t believe the lads. You’re not out to get me.”

“Well can I at least say I’m sorry for you hurting at all? Even if this wasn’t me, it still is horrible to see you sad.”

“I guess…” you said, eyes drifting off to look at the edge of Remus’ bed, at the blanket that was laying over it haphazardly.

“Y/N?” Sirius asked, pulling you back in.

“It’s just… it’s difficult for me to try to get over you when you keep saying all the right things,” you admitted, suddenly shy, as if you hadn’t already admitted being in love with him, weren’t already sniffing back tears after clutching his shirt in a sob (your hands were still in that same spot, too).

Sirius furrowed his brows. “Does that mean you want me to start being mean to you?”

And, somehow, despite the heaviness of teardrop trails down your cheeks and the weightiness of your heart, you felt your body lighten into laughter. It was as if a breeze was flowing through your bones but for a minute. “No, Sirius,” you answered, words still filled with chuckles. “That’s not what I meant. I just might need a while. A little time to adjust—”

“That’s fine—”

“Away from you,” you finished, eyes on his, finding nothing but confusion and anger in the brownish-black of them.

His voice was barely a whisper. “You don’t mean that.” You felt as his grip intensified on your wrists, cementing you in place and shaking you from them. “Tell me you don’t mean that.”

“Not forever,” you promised, “just for a few week—”

“A few weeks!” His eyes were wide and wild, his mouth dropping open.

“Maybe more,” you admitted, hating the way his automatic crumbling made you feel important. Wanted. Loved. Even if it was a flicker as opposed to Marlene’s fire. “You can’t have us both right away, Sirius. I need time.”

His voice softened as he looked down, rather pensively, and almost-whispered, “I’ve never gone even a week without you before.” A jolt ran through you, sharp and strong, when you recalled the past and realized he was right. A similar feeling struck your heart as Sirius continued, “I don’t know if I can.”

You smoothed out your grip so your palms were against his chest; they would have just barely been ghosting over the fabric if it wasn’t for Sirius’ fingers pushing the heels of your hands downwards. “Maybe you fell in love with the wrong girl, then,” you mused, hating the teasing quality of your voice, the fact you let the low blow escape at such a sensitive time, at all.

Sirius looked up at you, and perhaps it was the false shadows cast by the darkening sky, or the fact you wished for such a reaction so desperately in your heart, but Sirius seemed more despondent than appalled, more melancholy than mad. As if he actually thought there was an ounce of truth to your crude comment formulated out of sheer spite and stupid hope.

“Fuck Marlene for a minute, okay,” he said, harsh tone taking you aback. “I still need you in my life. I still want you in my life.”

“I’ll still be in your life. I just need some space—”

Sirius was shaking his head rapidly. “I’ll hang out with her in private and you don’t need to know. And I’ll tell the blokes to shut up about it. And I won’t even act like she exists when you’re around.”

“I don’t want that, Sirius!” you shouted, lungs burning and dry, tone loud enough to leave Sirius slightly shaken. “I want to be done with these feelings. I want to stop looking at you and wanting to kiss you. I want to stop imagining what it would feel like if I got to sneak in here every night and fall asleep next to you in your bed. I want to stop thinking about if you’re looking at me because I wish I was your fucking universe, okay? That’s what I want.” 

You were panting and Sirius was shocked but you kept going: “It’s not about you being with Marlene. It’s about you being with Marlene and me still being in love with you. You can’t sort my shit out for me. I just need a break from us being inseparable. I need some time to deal with myself before I can deal with you and Marlene, alright? And I’m sorry if you don’t like that, but loving you has nearly torn me to shreds and waiting for you has, too, and I just need to be selfish because I can’t handle this any longer.”

“Fine,” Sirius snapped, as if he had a reason to be angry. “Okay. Do what you need to.” His fingers uncoiled from your wrist; the air was shockingly cold as opposed to his touch. Some small, not-so-secret part of you—the same that had been holding off for Sirius, you knew—yearned for reinstating of the contact immediately.

So it was only in the backing away of his chest that your own hands left his body; they would have stayed there otherwise and wanted to desperately. Your heart dropped at the motion.

And so did your voice: “It’s not like I wanted this, Sirius,” you half-whispered, half-spoke, fully trying to look anywhere but his strung-together face. “I’m not the bad guy.”

“So you’re saying I am?” Sirius accused, pointing his now free finger at himself (the motion was wild enough you could see it through your peripherals).

You shook your head, letting it fall forwards.

“Merlin, Y/N, you’re not really going to blame Marlene, are you?”

Another shake, softer this time, as if you had exerted all of your energy on the first one. You spoke to the ground while replying, “It’s just a terrible situation. No one is at fault.”

“You could have told me sooner,” Sirius reprimanded more so than suggested, causing your head to snap up, your tone to harshen and cool. If you breathed out, it would have shown in the air it was so icy.

Your hands slapped to your sides in defeat. “Okay, whatever then, Sirius. I’m trying to navigate this issue like an adult, and you keep blaming me! Then you turn around and say you’ll do whatever I want you to, and I ask you something, but it’s not what you want so you throw another fit. I just told you I loved you and you respond by acting like a fucking child because I’m not saying what you want to hear and—”

Sirius’ hands went for your arms. “Y/N—”

“No!” you yelled, sidestepping his reach despite how much your skin yearned for its warmth. “You know, maybe this is a good thing, some space.”

“Y/N,” he panted desperately, as if you were miles away instead of just moving away. Just using this newfound positioning to get out of this expired safe haven as quickly as possible. With steps so loud you almost couldn’t hear the reoccuring whisper of your name dropping from Sirius’ lips in a plea.

The slam of the dormitory door behind you definitely covered the sound; however, the bang couldn’t compare to the ferocity with which your heart was pounding in your chest, the reverberating echoes through the halls stood no chance against the skin on your wrists that was still buzzing with the aftershock of Sirius’ touch.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius’ thought he could cover up all of those feelings, the ones that were supposed to go away. But, after learning of Y/N’s love, Sirius is unsure about to about his now dangerously delicate situation, until Marlene arrives at his dorm at 3 AM, demanding a place to sleep and some answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sirius' POV

Sirius always assumed what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.

It first began manifesting in fifth year: the fluttery feelings in his stomach whenever Y/N walked into the room, the sneaking of her into his dreams, the act of catching himself off guard by realizing he had been staring at her absentmindedly. It was so subtle Sirius almost didn’t take notice. 

“It’s just, I don’t know many other girls as funny or cool,” Sirius tried to reason to James, who was barely listening after weeks of having the same sort of unsure and tenacious words be all Sirius spoke with, Y/N all he spoke about. But, the longer James allowed Sirius to ramble on—which Sirius, looking back, thought of as an awfully generous gesture—the deeper the whole Sirius dug himself. Every effort to deduce what made her special merely pointed out everything he was too afraid to admit he was falling for: her smile, laugh, charisma. 

She began absorbing his life, not violently but accidentally, taking up all of his thoughts until even the splotches of light that formed when Sirius closed his eyes began accumulating into her silhouette. Until Sirius could no longer ignore the fact his feelings weren’t only founded in platonic adoration, but a passion beyond that. One including running hands through hair while bodies and lips were pressed together tightly.

Lips, lips, lips…

Sirius couldn’t look at hers without getting distracted, even in the most innocent trains of thought. But in this particular instance, on this particular evening, they were being ungraciously enveloped by some other boy’s mouth. The sight made his stomach churn as if he was going to throw up. (It definitely wasn’t the alcohol, not at all…)

“I’ll be right back,” Sirius slurred out, abandoning the couch where Remus sat, beer bottle in hand, leaving the common room altogether and tripping his way up the staircase to his dorm that night. 

That night that changed everything—now that he was able to look back at it—because it was in his dorm where Sirius, feeling dizzy and faint and slightly electrocuted, ran into Marlene. 

Looking back, there were large gaps in detail in how he remembered the conversation, or even why she was in their dorm room alone in the first place. But, Sirius knew Marlene had clutched his right shoulder with a firm grip after noticing his instability, asking first, “Are you drunk?” before, “What’s wrong?” over and over again until it made him feel even more dizzy (somehow, she knew it was more than just the drunkenness taking a toll on his body). She forced an answer out of him not through aggression, but arching her brow, knowing there was something big he was hiding.

The alcohol assisted in helping him to tell the truth, too.

Yet he didn’t realize why—the lovesick fool he was—Marlene looked slightly defeated after Sirius said he was in love with Y/N. Why it hurt Marlene to hear Sirius to say, in his drunken honesty, “I’d do everything for her, ya know? Everything, anything, whatever, whenever… long as she’s happy. Even if, even it hurts. Hurts me.”

Or maybe that was why she suddenly took the defensive later on in their conversation, when Sirius had moved from leaning on a wall to sitting next to Marlene on his bed. Out of every detail from that day, the one Sirius recounted most vividly was the feeling of Marlene’s eyes on the side-profile of his face, the way she considered him so thoroughly it almost seemed like admiring, because it was.

You fool, you should have realized.

Marlene was too busy being ruthless for him to consider her having any other feelings towards the situation. She reprimanded Sirius, not for not telling Y/N his feelings, but sending her mixed ones. “You can’t just expect her to know how you feel if you’re doing something that suggests the opposite.”

“Well what am I supposed to tell her?” Sirius straightened his back here, making some ridiculous facial expression while imitating his hypothetical self, saying, “I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending they’re you? Is that what you’d want your best friend to tell you?”

Marlene replied with quiet yes and Sirius should have known, he really should have. No amount of drunk in fog should have let him be so blind as to not see the painful vulnerability the confession dripped with. 

Especially when Marlene’s anger began reforming, reconstructing itself on a basis of jealousy instead of disapproval, he should of realized why. When her demands turned from being directed at Sirius—“you have to realize you are worth her love”—to Y/N— “she needs to stop being so dense and realize you are amazing”—Sirius should have realized the shift was due to Marlene’s inability to understand how someone couldn’t love Sirius or appreciate his love or love him back or do all three.

Sirius should have realized but it couldn’t have been his fault. By all means, at that point, Marlene was most likely living by a similar mantra that he was: what Sirius doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Because it took Marlene half-a-year of helping Sirius learn to resist the instinct of loving Y/N to build up the courage to tell him she had been indulging herself in the same one, only Sirius was the object of attention. Something he knew he never had been before. Something that gave him shivers when he thought of it: the concept of being wanted. 

He of course agreed to date her. He didn’t even have to think about it when she asked, eyes full of doubt like she wasn’t worth the love she was helping Sirius control.

And it wasn’t like he didn’t want to date her: Marlene was helpful and kind and witty and hysterical and made of the kind of fire Sirius was built to attract.

But, now, a year and declaration of love of Marlene to Y/N later, laying in his room with the ghost of Y/N’s presence haunting every inch of it, Sirius realized he should have thought about it more. Maybe he jumped in too quickly, forced himself out of feelings that should have been gotten over naturally.

But he really loved Marlene. And he didn’t want to hurt her.

But, if there was one thing Sirius had learned, his way of living had been wrong. It wasn’t what Marlene doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Because what Y/N didn’t know ended up doing just that.

It had hurt her, hurt her to the point of tears and quaking lips and standing in the middle of Sirius’ room on a Saturday evening sideways, as if her skeleton was going to break and it wasn’t a question of if or where but when. But not her heart; that had broken so long ago, apparently, that Sirius probably couldn’t trace to the origin of the first fracture. Was it just when he began dating Marlene, being in a more committed relationship than ever before, since it finally established Sirius as someone who could settle down? Was it when they just started dating, the act revealing some deep form of jealousy never before experienced that told Y/N everything she needed to know? Or was it even before that, when Sirius was working on getting over her (and failing), his could-shoulder defense mechanism making Y/N realize she missed him in a way that was rooted in more than just friendship? Or perhaps it was the lads who kept suggesting Y/N liked Sirius, making her see him in that way for the first time, turning feelings of friendship into love?

It couldn’t have been before then, Sirius knew. There was no way two best friends could have had feelings for one another at the same time and not have realized it. Not have done something. 

Even though darkness had fallen hours past, Sirius’ mind wrapped up in so many situations that dawn was nearing soon and James and Remus were snoring from beside him, no amount of fatigue could cover the painfully irony that mistake would hold. It would have been the biggest of Sirius’, he mused, if not for the other, much larger failing this situation was exposing. That he had to expose, as well, as answering a sudden knock that rang on his door revealed a distressed Marlene on the other side.

The shock jolted the sleeplessness off of his eyes. “What are you doing here? It’s three in the morning.”

“I was wondering if I could sleep here,” she said, as if it was a normal hour to suggest such a thing.

Sirius didn’t know whether to scoff or laugh, so let out some pathetic, half-hearted noise settled perfectly between the two. “You’re joking, right?”

“No.” It was quiet and off-put and Sirius knew he had upset her before he even had a right to.

“Listen, I… I just had a really intense day and I haven’t even fallen asleep yet—”

“Maybe I’ll help calm you down?”

“No,” Sirius spat, shaking his head and allowing his arm to rest against the doorframe, his exhausted body propping against the wood. He dug his head into his shoulder in order to not have to look at Marlene’s disappointed face before exhaling into the skin there deeply. “You’d do the opposite and I’d hurt you and it would be awful. I need to talk to you but I just can’t do it like I need to right now.”

“Is it about Y/N?” Sirius’ head snapped up and that was all the affirmation Marlene needed. “I saw her today passing through the common room about an hour after we came back from our date. Her eyes were red and gross, like she had been crying. Was it about us?”

All sleepiness escaped Sirius’ body as his eyes widened and back straightened in shock. “How did you—”

“That bitch!” Marlene screamed, causing Sirius to look behind himself in panic, watching as the vague shapes of a sleeping James and Remus shifted due to the noise, but, thankfully, didn’t wake.

Sirius’ voice came out as a harsh whisper in response. “Marlene, you need to be quiet. Remus and Sirius—”

“Will understand my tone once they figure out Y/N is trying to steal my boyfriend from me!”

“Okay, you know what,” Sirius began, the movement of his body through his door and into the hallway cutting his own words off while simultaneously forcing Marlene to back up further into the hall. Once outside, he closed the door behind them gingerly before turning back to Marlene in a rush contains the exact opposite energy. “She wasn’t trying to steal me from you.”

Marlene shoved her hands on her hips while demanding, “Then why did she say those things?” 

“She said she needed space, so I’m pretty sure she let me know why so she didn’t think she was just ignoring me for no reason.”

“Or to try and make you do whatever necessary to make her stay,” Marlene grumbled underneath her breath, her head turning to the side, closing her statement off to argument but Sirius knew it was wrong. What he didn’t know was what made Marlene so suddenly protective of Sirius and distrusting of Y/N:

“What in the world is making you think she is out to get you?” Sirius’ face felt hot, his breathing ragged. The hallway didn’t offer enough space for this argument and he was faint from the knowledge that he was also in the wrong, but wanted to blame Marlene as much as possible.

“I don’t know! Maybe the fact she threatened to stop being your friend just because you and I have gone on a ton of dates.”

Sirius felt his mouth twitch: he was going to add on, “and because I said that I’m in love with you.” But he wasn’t sure it was true anymore.

Could he love someone who hated someone else he loved? That he was supposed to stop loving but never fully forgot how to? Because forgetting how to love Y/N, it was like forgetting how to breathe.

Sirius thought for so long what Marlene didn’t know couldn’t hurt her. Sirius thought for the past few hours maybe the things that she didn’t know could cause her pain, if Y/N was any indication.

But now, Sirius didn’t know if he even cared if his secrets did.

Because Marlene had gone on a rant now. One that Sirius was observing as if he was an outsider viewing the conversation instead of the person the words were directed at, the cruel content and aggressive facial expressions somehow not touching him in the slightest. He heard snippets: “I knew from the way she looked at me she was jealous,” and “it’s so petty that she only liked you once you were taken,” and “you know that, right? She only likes you because you’re forbidden fruit,” and “it’s just pathetic,” and “she’s just pathetic.” And something inside of his stomach should have dropped, something in his heart should have snapped.

Instead, a coy and borderline vicious smile began creeping up on his face. One off-puttingly mysterious enough to make Marlene stop in her tracks and ask, “What, Sirius?”

Then Sirius was laughing. Laughing unconsciously and darkly and loudly and selfishly, considering it was three in the morning and the walls there weren’t thick enough to block the sound. 

But the scream of “Sirius!” Marlene let out to disrupt the laughter was still louder. Still more selfish.

“I was so worried about telling you because I thought it would break your heart, not try and make you break Y/N into pieces,” Sirius began.

“What?”

“You remember what you told me like a year-and-a-half ago, when I was drunk and crying over Y/N having a boyfriend? That I deserve someone who doesn’t have to be forced into loving me?”

“Yes…” She was trailing off, wasn’t getting it despite the fact she was sober that night and should have seen where Sirius was going so Sirius ran his hand through his hair in frustration.

His voice was even firmer then, more exasperated when responding, “I deserve her, then, Marlene.”

“But you and I are dating!”

Sirius stepped in towards Marlene; she almost cowered, but held her ground after a barely noticeable flinch. “But you are talking shit about my best friend, which is something you wouldn’t do if you really loved me. You’d trust me, even though you shouldn’t. And you’d let me go, even if you didn’t want me to. Exactly like Y/N did.”

“You’re not making sense. Why shouldn’t I trust you? Did you kiss her?”—Marlene tilted her head here, a jeer surprisingly full of venom— “Fuck her?”

“No!” Sirius backed away and didn’t stop the look of utter distaste mixed with shock from covering his face. “I would never do that. I’m not… well, I’m not that awful, but I’m not that good, either. I just never stopped loving her.”

The space seemed bigger after the truth was out, as if the margin of the physically pushed the two of them apart. Air was thicker, more palatable. 

Marlene’s eyes narrowed. Her voice dried out. “What?”

And maybe it was the fact they seemed suddenly so far apart; maybe it was the apologeticness that struck Sirius down in response, but he took a step towards her. “I loved you to, Marlene,” he began, voice whisper-like in its intention. “That’s what I went to tell her. And this is so insane, because I thought I was over her until she said those things. Until I realized I couldn’t go weeks without her. And I thought I loved you until I realized you are willing to make her into some enemy, some villain, just because you’re jealous.”

The softness ended with her screams: “She is a villain! She’s breaking us up!”

“No, Marlene. You’re doing that by contradicting yourself and disrespecting her for having the balls and maturity to do what I couldn’t last year: tell her how I felt.” Marlene opened her mouth to respond, but no words arrived, so it hung open and Sirius smiled in victory. “You told me that night that I should go for it. Then, just like now, when I said I wasn’t worth her love, you automatically tore her down and said she wasn’t worth mine.”

“I never—”

“Yes you did! You were always so afraid of her.”

Marlene’s arms flung to her sides dramatically, her eyes rolling, jaw clenched. “Well, I had a right to be, didn’t I?”

But the outburst didn’t effect Sirius; Sirius, who was still able to respond, in the most calmly understanding of tones, “You shouldn’t have to beat someone down to prove you’re better.”

“But I do because you don’t realize that I loved you first, and I love you more, and I love you better, and you obviously can’t see that on you own.”

Sirius was shaking his head rapidly. “No, no you don’t. If you truly loved me, you’d let me be with her just like she let me be with you.”

“But she’s breaking us up!” Marlene repeated, reaching out, causing Sirius to back up into the door. Behind himself, he felt for the handle, fingers coiling around the cold metal the moment he found it.

“No. You are.”

Not giving Marlene the time to respond, he opened the door, walked through it, and closed it cautiously, hoping that Remus and James remained sleeping despite the disturbances outside. The loud snores from James’ side and quieter ones sounding from where Remus slept indicated that somehow, luckily enough, they did. So Sirius crawled back into bed, wearing a small and soft smile across his face, ready to tell them how his dreams were to become a reality.

(And of course he dreamed of Y/N that night. Her glowing smile and amazing eyes.)

It happened at breakfast the next morning, one filled with beams of brightness and warmth despite December having turned the weather cold and sky grey with cloud cover. After a thorough explanation from Sirius and several worried expressions from James and Remus, their stiff frowns turned into full grins. They gave Sirius congratulatory pats on the back, alongside praises like, “Good for you, mate,” after he shared the fact he was going to apologize to then ask out Y/N the next moment he saw her. 

“You should maybe just stay here for a bit, ya know?” James suggested, waving his sausage-clad fork in the air to emphasize what “here” meant before going to eat it.

But Sirius’ question of, “Why?” including furrowed brows and a slightly cold expression based in confusion, stopped James in his tracks.

James exhaled languidly. “You should stay here for a bit because it’s breakfast, and everyone goes to breakfast. Even if Y/N is going to avoid you as much as she claims she will, she’ll probably still go to breakfast.” Sirius didn’t allow his impressed reaction to be restricted as James finally bit into his food; therefore, Sirius knew that if it wasn’t already preoccupied, James’ mouth would have been moulded into a self-confident smirk.

And it was when, not even five minutes later, Y/N walked in looking distraught and panicked and James was no longer eating. Inspired both by his best mates’ encouragements of “Go get her, mate!” and the fact that her wandering eyes hadn’t landed on the body she was trying to avoid, Sirius leapt to his feet hurriedly. So much so, he didn’t notice that his the end of his napkin not on his lap had somehow ended up underneath his plate, leading to it toppling over from table to floor as he stood.

He wouldn’t have given a fuck about the loud crash of the plate averting everyone’s attention towards him on any other day, all of the snickering first years and sleep-deprived seventh years who looked as though they barely took notice. The only person he cared about amongst the crowd was Y/N, Y/N, who he had exposed his presence due because of the slip-up.

The eye contact between the two of them was strong enough it could have been tangible, lasting for mere seconds before Y/N left her spot at the edge of a table. 

“Go! We’ll clean it up,” Remus instructed. Sirius looked back for the slightest of moments, fuzzy focus barely making out the fact Remus already had his wand at the ready, some spell probably on the tip of his tongue to fix the plate so it never seemed broken.

“Go!” James agreed, so Sirius turned on his heels and began running towards the direction Y/N’s left shoe had just disappeared into—the open doors of the Great Hall now blocked the rest of her body from view—dodging table-corners, giggling and distracted second years, and outstretched legs on the way to the hall.

Once outside of it, able to see Y/N’s entire frame, he called out to her. It was raspy and desperate, but she didn’t even look back. Instead, she kept running, running as if the floor was made out of fire and her lungs weren’t filled with it from the pace. So Sirius kept calling after her. Just calling and panting and hoping. 

Then Y/N turned a corner and Sirius knew exactly where she was headed, the green of it already plain in view. So, instead of following her, Sirius called her name once more, establishing his soon-to-be-gone presence, running down a separate hall that also lead to the Divination Courtyard. Only, this one would bring Sirius to the other side of it, so, instead of Y/N running away from Sirius, she would, without realizing, be leading herself right into his yearning grip.

And it was a yearning grip, one executed with fingers wrapped around her forearm and accompanied by the repeating of her name again and again and again. Just as planned, Sirius jumped out of a column and squarely in front of Y/N. By the time she had realized what was happening and went to turn away, the yearning grip had already been established.

And, miraculously enough, she let it guide her back to face Sirius once more. Her cheeks were rosy from the chill—it was cold enough to snow, and Sirius wondered why it hadn’t yet with the clouds that still tinged the sky grey—but even the air wasn’t as cold as her eyes.

“What?” she demanded, every letter of the world filled to the brim with fury.

Sirius couldn’t help himself. “I broke up with Marlene,” he said, even though he knew it wasn’t the thing he should have began with before Y/N looked down, frowned, and shook her head in response.

“Sirius, that’s not what I meant for you to take away from that. That’s not what I wanted—”

“It’s what I wanted.” Y/N looked up at Sirius in disbelief, and he could almost feel her skin under his fingertips despite the layers of coat and jumper and sweater. She was so close to him as close as the truth to his lips and Sirius’ heart was racing, ready but terrified. Courage six years in the making still barely strong enough.

So he almost let his throat close up and would have, too, if it weren’t for the random burst of snow that began falling from the sky. 

It took them back for a minute, both equally stunned while staring at the sky as if they both weren’t graduating from Hogwarts that spring and well aware that snow was to be expected today. But, they both had an excuse for being shocked, both equally good because they were the same. Sirius just didn’t know it.

His heart was heavy and felt melancholic suddenly, or, perhaps, like he was living through one of those Muggle films as he reached out towards Y/N with his free hand and picked out a stray snowflake from her hair. Because he did it so many years before at the second annual snowball fight and, same as back then, he felt his fingers shiver not from the snow, but proximity to Y/N. And the fact Sirius could feel her watching him with the same careful intention as he handled the white speck with.

“Snowflake,” Sirius whispered, more to himself than Y/N. More to second-year Sirius than his current self, a way to tell that young, insecure, proud boy that he finally found his true Gryffindor trait of bravery in telling the girl he had loved and still did his true feelings.

Y/N’s face was frozen, so Sirius took advantage of her inability to respond to explain himself. “I know that’s not what you meant. Marlene came to my door last night and I told her what happened. She kept telling me how you were trying to break us up”—Y/N’s face fell here slightly and out of guilt, so Sirius squeezed her arm reassuringly— “but I knew you weren’t and I tried to make her see that but she couldn’t. And if you are in love with me and are willing to stop seeing me in order to not complicate things, I just… I realized she wasn’t actually in love with me as much as you are.” 

Y/N smiled here slightly, allowing Sirius to make his tone more light-hearted while continuing, “Plus, whoever I love should love my friends, too.”

But it dropped as quickly as it appeared, Sirius beginning to frown as he realized he massively misspoke.

“Oh,” Y/N whispered. She wouldn’t make eye contact.

“No— shit, Y/N, I didn’t mean that.”

Sirius was running his hand through his hair in frustration when Y/N’s face pulled back into his view. “It’s okay.” She was smiling softly and like she knew, as if she understood but:

“No, you don’t understand,” Sirius demanded. His free hand reached for hers, turning her focus to stare at their fingers interlocking, luckily taking her focus away from how fast the rattle was in his chest or how uneven the pace of his breathing was because he was doing this. He was. 

Because she was right there in the snow like so many years ago but nothing had changed so he said, abandoning any concern for vulnerability seeping into his voice, “I’ve been in love with you for so long, Y/N. I originally got together with Marlene because she told me she got feelings for me when I was trying to get over you. But she never succeeded, I suppose… I never stopped loving you. Even when I thought I loved her, I loved you more. I just thought—”

“I’d never feel the same?” Y/N offered. She was smiling like it was the only thing she knew (but she knew more, like how to make Sirius laugh until he cried and feel warm without even touching him).

“Yeah.” Sirius breathed it out, allowing the exhale to form a grin on his face, as well. “But obviously…”

She was giggling and it sent streams of light through his veins, and suddenly, Sirius was made of sunshine. “We both know how that went.”

Softly, not with a pull or tug but swipe, Y/N moved her arm out of Sirius’ fingers’ grip, shifting it upwards to reach towards Sirius’ face.

“Snowflake?” he asked, tracing the movement with curious eyes.

Y/N shook her head, smiling, smiling with a grin made of mischievousness and trouble and everything endearing. With a gentle tenderness that seemed practiced, she took Sirius’ jaw in her palm: an invitation to lean down asked only through fingertips. Her lips were already raised up before Sirius’ fully leaned down, attaching mouth to yearning mouth, constructing the kiss they had both craved for the impossibly long, stupid, blind, wonderful years of falling in love.

**Author's Note:**

> This was requested by @siriuslyimmoony on Tumblr. Find me there under the same name @madforscamander


End file.
